Adulthood: Expectations vs. Reality
I’m in a rut –– both creatively and personally. I’m 31 years old. I’ve no money and no prospects. I depend on my family and friends. And I’m frightened. What I’m saying is…I’m Charlotte Lucas from Pride and Prejudice but without the marriage proposal to Mr. Collins.
When I was laid off from my job in January, I took it fairly in stride. I wasn’t upset and I understood that it was bound to happen after a year-long pandemic. I dove right into applying for jobs and putting myself out there for new opportunities. I even snagged a freelance piece on something I care deeply about with a great magazine.
And then? Well, nothing. Five months after being laid off, I’m still unemployed and looking for a job. I’ve become an expert of sorts at first-round (and even some second-round) interviews. But the spark or motivation I relied on is feeling a little frayed…a little worse for wear.
This isn’t exactly where I thought I’d be at 31 years old. I imagined I’d be working a steady journalism job while in a steady relationship or that I’d still be traveling the world trying to figure out who I wanted to be. Instead, I’m living with two much younger roommates and the mounting possibility I’ll have to move back home if I don’t find a new job. (I’m also very much single.)
I know that logically, this is what adulthood is all about. It’s about surviving the drone of everyday life with all its twists and turns. I’m sure my therapist will tell me that I’m actually coping very normally with what has been more than a year of pandemic life. But it still sucks to feel this way even if I know it won’t last long.
I’m still trying to do things that keep that little creative spark going. My reading game is 15 books strong and growing. Dance seshs in my room are a near-daily occurrence. Walks have risen exponentially as the weather improves –– or rather on those rare days that Boston doesn’t decide to follow a cold spell with a 90+ degree heatwave.
For anyone thinking this is some sort of cry for help, I’m here to tell you it’s not. I’m not on the verge of some depressive episode, I’m just in a bit of a funk and that’s okay. We put way too much pressure on ourselves to be great 24/7 and then feel like failures when we’re not. I’m actively working on not imposing that pressure on myself. Sometimes I’m successful and sometimes I’m not. Either way? It’s going to be okay.